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Bob Nelson’s Fundamental Rules 12 July 2009

Posted by The Inimitable M in Bob Nelson.
Tags: , , , ,

Bob wrote a column a couple of weeks about some seemingly basic rules that a few have forgotten over the years.  I loved it.  He is spot-on (like almost always…).

These rules are simple.  In some of us – most of us – they are inherent to our being, but for a few people…

Anyway, I am using his first three basic rules (I hope that’s okay, Bob) and adding my own two pence worth.

1.  Don’t Let the Pots and Pans Salesman Swab Your Children’s Private Parts.  A woman actually allowed this.  Hey, Stupid:  He’s not a doctor, or he wouldn’t be selling pots and pans.  Your kids do not have “diseases”.  That traveling salesman is a pervert.  Get that through your thick skull.  (Where is DHHS when you need them??)

2.  Don’t Have Another Child Months After You Dump Nine Kids Under the State’s Safe Haven Law.  Nebraska’s Safe Haven Law, until recently, included all children under the age of 18.  Gary Staton deserted his nine children after his wife died because he” just couldn’t take care of them”.  So just a short bit after that, he gets his girlfriend pregnant.  She’s going to have twins, and he’s thrilled.  NEVERMIND trying to get the other nine back.  They’re history.  The NEW babies are what counts!  Gary Staton, you disgust me.  Get neutered.  You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog, and not a good one, at that.  If I were any one of your other nine children, I would walk away from you completely.  I’d tell you where to go, and don’t stop at a rest area on the way.

3.  Don’t Poop in the National Park Service Tipi next to the Bob Kerry Pedestrian Bridge.  How Bob got this story, I don’t know, because it wasn’t in any of the media, but I love him for bringing it to our attention.  Someone (gender unknown, but adult enough to apparently plop a big one) opted to use the tipi, since there are, as of this time, no actual “bathrooms” near the bridge.  Fine.  You wanted privacy, you aren’t going to a field, you couldn’t hold it, but the least you could have done is pick it up, just like you would if your dog had done this, since you’re such an animal.

Now I cite three from Bob, straight up, unedited (by me) and duly credited… because, really, what two pence could I possibly add?  I’d just link you to him, but you know…the Omaha World-Herald, in their infinite wisdom, doesn’t like for people to have the entire paper online.  Not good for the print business, you know – but of course, they’ve already taken the paper deliveries away from much of outstate Nebraska, so you just have to wonder the value in their thought processes.

Without further adieu, these are Bob’s:

4.  Time Your Protests.  If you’re staging pro-democracy protests in Iran, don’t stage them around the time a huge American celebrity dies.  Because as you call for the help of the free world, the free world will be attending memorial moonwalk festivals.

5.  Don’t Be A Hypocrite.  If you fly to Argentina to hook up with your mistress, don’t be otherwise known for your strong stances against immorality.  Republicans don’t seem to understand why they get more guff  when they don’t demonstrate family values.  It’s called hypocrisy, which makes people indignant in direct proportion to the gap between what you preach and what you do.

6.  Hunt for the Right Meat.  Don’t push for $500,000 in federal pork to improve habitat for wild turkeys and other game when your constituency knows the three things most in overabundance right now are deficits, federal pork and wild turkeys.
     It’s like Captain Kirk seeking money to help Tribbles breed.  Sen. Ben Nelson, a hunter, certainly knows you can’t walk in the woods without tripping over a turkey.  But Ben also knows he can’t see a barrel ofpork without diving in.  What we actually need is more hunting of deer and turkey to thin the numbers, not more deer and turkey.

(from the Omaha World-Herald, Midlands Section, June 29, 2009.  NO LINK AVAILABLE.)

The next rule has a local/national twist going for it, but it’s mine:

Don’t Walk In A Crosswalk in Washington, D.C. Under Any Circumstances.  My advice is to take a cab from one corner to the next.  If you don’t, you will find some D.C. bonehead nearly hitting you, honking and swearing at you, and then when you swear back, the local media (for lack of better news in our nation’s capitol)  says you “turned the air blue” because you dropped the “F” bomb, while the driver accused you of “jaywalking”.  I feel for you, Congressman Lee Terry (R-NE).



1. Deb aka St Colette - 13 July 2009

Bob Nelson cracks me up. Too bad we can’t read his columns. Makes no sense. Aren’t they trying to increase their readership?

theinimitablem1 - 13 July 2009

You’d think so, but since the OWH is free online, I’m not sure they’re at the point they’ve considered online subscriptions. When I move, I’m going to have to pay to have it delivered to Cedar Rapids, and it will probably be a day late!

He cracks me up, too. He is far more creative than I when it comes to these things. I don’t think in a million years the OWH would hire me to write a column. Could you imagine? Bob is fantastic in saying what needs to be said – and at the same time remaining relatively PC.

I really think he needs to be syndicated. I REALLY do.

Deb aka St Colette - 13 July 2009

I think he needs to be syndicated, too.

I’d read him because he has the one thing I find hard to do: make us feel by framing the horror in sarcastic humour. That is something you have to be born with. I know because my youngest does it. He isn’t blogging as much on Heritage Foundation because he’s so busy, and on Politico he’s on point serious. But that kid can make you laugh and feel sad about something at the same time, and I have no idea where he got that from. He was born with itthough, he didn’t learn it. And, I bet that Bob Nelson was too.

2. Origami Momi - 13 July 2009

I’m absolutely blown away by the first one. And a little speechless.

3. theinimitablem1 - 13 July 2009

I stand corrected on one thing. You can, indeed, subscribe online. You still don’t get the columnists, though, so my whine about the print version stands. I commented at work today that it looked like I was going to have to pay Bob under the table or something to get his columns. I’d even pay premium price (extra like for HBO) to have Bob’s columns after I move.

From what I can see (and Bob, if you’re reading this, don’t let it go to your head), he was definitely born with it, and he uses that innate talent very well.

I wonder if I could get him to allow me to publish a book of his “best” columns. Alot of people would buy it, and I would personally hawk it everywhere.

4. Deb aka St Colette - 13 July 2009

I’d buy it. Not only that, I’d probably hand it out as Christmas gifts, too. That is if we all can afford a Christmas this year.

theinimitablem1 - 14 July 2009

First I’ll check and see if he’s got something out there. If he doesn’t, then I’ll ask him.

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