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Depression 2 December 2010

Posted by The Inimitable M in Life.
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Depression is crippling whether it is diagnosed clinical depression, situational depression or seasonal depression.  One finds themselves in a daze all the time and find it difficult to focus on one thing, let alone several.  One starts eliminating those things that are truly closest to them, shutting out friends and family, generally withdrawing from society, and often finding themselves staring at a blank wall for hours.  It takes too much energy to eat, walk, sit, stand. 

Trips out of the house are few.
Talking to people is limited.
Getting up in the morning and functioning through the day become serious considerations.
Sleep eludes, and yet sleep is desperately needed.
Alcohol starts to look damn fine.
So does anything that will take you away from the noise, the chaos, the demands, the expectations.

The depression I have is situational depression.  It started in June, shortly after the ceiling fell in at the old place. 

I moved with no physical support from my partner, which means I left a lot of things behind that I didn’t really want to leave.  It was difficult to do, but necessary.

Communication with my partner was limited before the move and virtually nonexistent after the move.

Promises weren’t worth the spit produced to speak them, nor the ether on which the emails were sent.

Love was lost.  No, actually, love was viciously shoved aside and then abruptly cancelled.

I was expected to carry on alone.

The door to the armored shell was open.  I stepped inside, closed the door, and cried.  And rocked.  And banged my head on the wall.  And I rocked some more, for months.

This situation nearly destroyed me.  I became physically debilitated, emotionally drained and psychologically crippled.  At the same time, I tried to be all things to all people.  In real life, I was nothing to anyone by August.

It angers me that I let a toxic relationship happen and refused to see it for what it was, no matter how many times I was told.  The best analogy I can draw at this point is coming to and finding you are buried alive, fingers bleeding trying to claw your way out, voice hoarse from screaming – screams that  no one heard.

Two strangers dug me out of the grave, reached out their hands to me, and pulled me into the world again, albeit from a distance.  Needless to say, we are no longer strangers.  I can never repay them for what they’ve done for me, and I don’t think they realise just what it is that they have done.  Their unconditional faith brought back my strength.  I am running again, even in the cold.  I go to bed at night and get up in the morning with a smile on my face.  It is because of what they have done for me every day since early September that I am finally focused again, working again, and ready to carry on by myself and with them.  I have become The Warrior Princess, and we are The Army of Three.

As for business, I have backed up, picked up and begun to push everything forward at full capacity, but not at risk for my health or anyone else’s, and we will do it within the very tight budget that now comes from losing our primary financial backer in this meleé.  We will not be destroyed.  Those coming with me into 2011 are welcome to do so.  Those who want out need only tell me.  No harm, no foul.

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Comments»

1. McGoo - 2 December 2010

My god… I’m so sorry, Maggie. I didn’t know and I didn’t want to bug you. I’m eternally grateful to The Strangers.

2. aardvarkian - 2 December 2010

I’m here 🙂

3. The Inimitable M - 2 December 2010

I appreciate your being there so much, James.

Sue, no one knew, not even my kids.

4. Maggie Secara - 2 December 2010

Oh Maggie! Oh my. I knew something was wrong. Now I’m so glad to see you coming round the mountain. 🙂 All will be well.

5. Ann Newman - 2 December 2010

That was beautifully expressed,and I have no doubt that 2011 with be a great year.:)

6. The Inimitable M - 2 December 2010

I have a ways to go yet. The boys have really given me a boost, though. I don’t know where I would be right now, if we hadn’t run into each other. Not that I’m suicidal, I’m not, but there sure wasn’t much left of me.

I should have known there would be a massive number of calls today, too. The thing is, if I answer the phone, work is shot for an hour each time. With as many calls as have come in this morning alone, I’d be on the phone until 10 tonight. I can’t do that. I have too much work to do.

7. Callaghan Grant - 2 December 2010

I am *SO* happy to hear that you have finally left behind what was clearly going NOwhere. Now you are free. I know it is tough at first but, wile you were watching the phone and waiting for the ring that never came, you were not available to find your true love. This is a new beginning for you and it is auspicious. Now I must tell you, I have conquered IBS and I did it by refusing to drink store bought milk and drinking instead raw milk from grass fed cows that produce only the A2 beta casein protein. You must look at this link and find some REAL milk. http://www.realmilk.com/where2.html
Once you have been drinking it (AND NOT STORE BOUGHT MILK) for just a few days, do let me know how you are feeling.
Love, as ever,

C *
~~S~


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