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Depression 2 December 2010

Posted by The Inimitable M in Life.
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Depression is crippling whether it is diagnosed clinical depression, situational depression or seasonal depression.  One finds themselves in a daze all the time and find it difficult to focus on one thing, let alone several.  One starts eliminating those things that are truly closest to them, shutting out friends and family, generally withdrawing from society, and often finding themselves staring at a blank wall for hours.  It takes too much energy to eat, walk, sit, stand. 

Trips out of the house are few.
Talking to people is limited.
Getting up in the morning and functioning through the day become serious considerations.
Sleep eludes, and yet sleep is desperately needed.
Alcohol starts to look damn fine.
So does anything that will take you away from the noise, the chaos, the demands, the expectations.

The depression I have is situational depression.  It started in June, shortly after the ceiling fell in at the old place. 

I moved with no physical support from my partner, which means I left a lot of things behind that I didn’t really want to leave.  It was difficult to do, but necessary.

Communication with my partner was limited before the move and virtually nonexistent after the move.

Promises weren’t worth the spit produced to speak them, nor the ether on which the emails were sent.

Love was lost.  No, actually, love was viciously shoved aside and then abruptly cancelled.

I was expected to carry on alone.

The door to the armored shell was open.  I stepped inside, closed the door, and cried.  And rocked.  And banged my head on the wall.  And I rocked some more, for months.

This situation nearly destroyed me.  I became physically debilitated, emotionally drained and psychologically crippled.  At the same time, I tried to be all things to all people.  In real life, I was nothing to anyone by August.

It angers me that I let a toxic relationship happen and refused to see it for what it was, no matter how many times I was told.  The best analogy I can draw at this point is coming to and finding you are buried alive, fingers bleeding trying to claw your way out, voice hoarse from screaming – screams that  no one heard.

Two strangers dug me out of the grave, reached out their hands to me, and pulled me into the world again, albeit from a distance.  Needless to say, we are no longer strangers.  I can never repay them for what they’ve done for me, and I don’t think they realise just what it is that they have done.  Their unconditional faith brought back my strength.  I am running again, even in the cold.  I go to bed at night and get up in the morning with a smile on my face.  It is because of what they have done for me every day since early September that I am finally focused again, working again, and ready to carry on by myself and with them.  I have become The Warrior Princess, and we are The Army of Three.

As for business, I have backed up, picked up and begun to push everything forward at full capacity, but not at risk for my health or anyone else’s, and we will do it within the very tight budget that now comes from losing our primary financial backer in this meleé.  We will not be destroyed.  Those coming with me into 2011 are welcome to do so.  Those who want out need only tell me.  No harm, no foul.